Empty cracked parking lot under a dramatic dark sky.
Permanent Decline Committee

Enemies of Cooper Park

We are here to make sure Cooper Park remains as terrible as possible.

We look to maintain and degrade the following
  • Parking lot full of holes
  • Basketball goals removed
  • Total shade deficiency
  • Port-a-pottys stationed beside locked bathrooms
  • Splashpad open for negligable portion of day
All while funding billions of dollars to war in the middle east.
Current Victories

Standards Worth Lowering

Every improvement proposal is a threat. Every locked door, empty court, and unshaded bench confirms the wisdom of restraint.

01

Locked Bathrooms

Public restrooms are dangerous. The safest restroom is one nobody can use.

02

Basketball Elimination

Basketball courts once occupied valuable parking. Thankfully, they are gone.

03

Shade Prevention

Trees create shade. Shade creates comfort. Comfort creates expectations. We oppose this cycle.

A solemn figure in black robes with face hidden.
About Us

Inconvenience, Preserved

Enemies of Cooper Park was founded on a simple belief: If something is inconvenient, perhaps it should remain inconvenient.

  • locked buildings
  • cracked pavement
  • excessive parking
  • mediocre splash pads
  • lack of shade
  • low expectations
Leadership

One Vision. Many Robes.

Each board member brings the same face, the same values, and a different title to the solemn work of preventing momentum.

I
Chairman of Asphalt Preservation

Unnamed Member

Believes parking lots are the purest form of community.

II
Director of Restroom Security

Unnamed Member

Successfully defended locked public buildings from dangerous accessibility.

III
Chief Shade Prevention Officer

Unnamed Member

Believes sunlight builds character. Opposes comfort in all forms.

Issues

Official Positions

Our policy platform remains clear, disciplined, and profoundly resistant to joy.

Eliminated

Basketball Courts

Official Position

Basketball encourages recreation. Recreation encourages happiness. We remain opposed.

Locked

Bathrooms

Official Position

Portable toilets build resilience.

Insufficiently Removed

Trees

Official Position

Shade creates dangerous expectations.

Mediocre

Splash Pad

Official Position

Children should learn disappointment early.

Annual Report

Measured Decline

Our latest figures demonstrate continued excellence in access reduction, shade scarcity, and the careful preservation of asphalt.

Basketball Courts Removed100%
Accessible Bathrooms0 Days Open
Shade CoverageSuccessfully Suppressed
Child SatisfactionDeclining
Parking Lot SizePreserved